|Marriage & Infidelity: Cheating
Spouses Can’t Hide Their Affairs From the Truth|
by: Wendy Allen Ph.D.
We all lie—a world without “little white lies” would
be uncivilized. But 99% of us have told bigger lies than those. For most of
us, lies told in our personal lives make us feel bad. However, we still
continue to lie and cheat.
Few events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as
infidelity. Infidelity can reduce a marriage to rubble, shattering trust and
creating a breeding ground for insecurity, mistrust, and resentment. Most of
us have witnessed affairs among people we know, and some of us even have had
affairs ourselves. This kind of thing happens in the real world, and it
happens all the time.
One third of all married couples admit to having
cheated on their mates. Let's not be na´ve. That's quite a large number of
people taking risks!
Affairs begin with two people who find each other
interesting and attractive. For whatever reason, the relationship escalates
into romance and, finally, into sexual intimacy. People who seek romance and
sexual intimacy outside of their primary relationship feel that their
relationship is missing something, so they go out and seek it from someone
What if you feel, deep in your heart, that your spouse
is lying and being unfaithful to you? Here are some ways to be sure.
One of the techniques professionals use to tell who is
lying and who is telling the truth is to follow eye movements. Neuro-Linguistic
Programming says that when people are constructing imaginary or fantasy
images we look up and to the left if we are right-handed and up and to the
right if we are left-handed.
Think, “What color is my mom’s hair?” Where did your
Now think, “I’m an astronaut and when I went to the
moon I made a snow-man out of moon dust.” Where did your eyes go, this time?
In the book,
Telling Lies by lie-catcher Paul Ekman, Ekman presents his “facial
action coding system.” These are the facial expressions we all use that are
hard-wired to the brain and will show up without our conscious control.
Charles Bond, a psychologist at Texas Christian University, reported that
among 2,520 adults surveyed in 6.3 countries, more than 70% believe that
liars tend to avert their gazes and/or stutter, touch, or scratch themselves
or tell longer stories than usual.
If your spouse is working too many late nights, think
about this next time you ask, "What are your plans for the night?"
Although there has been some research lately that says
this analysis is too simplistic to be counted upon, detectives continue to
use it (along with other tools). There was a story in “Outside Magazine”
about a detective involved in an investigation of a poaching in a national
park. He claimed he could tell within one minute if someone were lying. "I
got very excited and tracked him down to a sub-station in Wyoming," he said.
He also said he teaches his skills to trainees in one hour, but he wouldn’t
tell me what those skills were. Maybe he thought I was a secret poacher
(which is hard to be in Santa Barbara).
Here are some other clues:
- If your spouse's answer to your question is
brief, clear, and direct, that is a good sign it's true.
- Liars start to elaborate and repeat
themselves--this often results in changes to their story, especially in
- The more a liar tries, the more you need to
An extramarital affair isn't easy to hide. The lying,
sneaking around, and destroying of evidence all take tremendous amounts of
energy. The onset of guilty feelings about having the affair, in the first
place, further zaps whatever energy the partner having the affair might
still have left.
Despite their efforts, liars cannot control the
‘leakage’ of their true feelings--these run in micro-expressions that last
half a second. It is so ordinary, so much a part of our everyday lives and
everyday conversations, that we hardly notice it. But it's there. All you
have to do is look.
About the Author:
Wendy Allen, PhD, president of Wendy Allen, PhD
Coaching, is an expert on marriage and infidelity. She will help you move
through the normal but mind-blowing phases of discovery, betrayal, and loss.
You can’t go back to how things were, but you can move forward and capture
the good moments in life again.
http://www.survive-the-affair.com for a free audio download that will
give you important tips for getting through this difficult time. Read
Marriage & Infidelity: Cheating Spouses Can’t Hide Their Affairs From the
Truth by: Wendy Allen Ph.D.