Rule 1: Confused People Think the World Has Done Them Wrong

by Wayne C. Allen & The Phoenix Group,
 2000 (http://www.phoenixcentre.com?mind)

This is the "country and western song" view of the world. Confused people assume that the rest of the world has nothing better to do but plot to torment them. The Phoenix Perspective: nobody has us in mind all the time. Except ourselves. 

Most people haven’t grown up. They vaguely remember what it was like to be a kid, when everyone loomed large and when adults punished them when they were bad. Back then, we all thought that the big people, and especially mom and dad, knew everything. And they were pretty good at telling us what was "best for us." We learned to look outside of ourselves for justification, for permission, for happiness and for the source of our problems. Negatives seem to need a source, and, because we are reluctant to take responsibility for our lives and where we are and what’s happening to us, we blame others.

People have better things to do than to dream up ways to torment us. And even if it were true that someone was out to make us miserable, we still have choice. We can choose our response. That’s what the word "responsible" means: able to respond.

The first lesson: there is no one to blame for anything. Even as we make bad choices, (and we all do!) there is no point feeling guilty and blaming yourself (or your parents, your heritage, or thinking "the devil made me do it!") Far better to examine the process of what happened and look for better ways of handling similar situations.

If you don’t get this, you are doomed to repeat past mistakes. Why? Because you haven’t learned to recognize them and to deal with them in a way that is of benefit.

To think continually that someone outside of yourself is "to blame" for where you find yourself is to remain forever a child. Anyone can lead a relatively happy life when nothing is going wrong. The person who has mastered him/herself is the person who can deal with difficulties as issues to be understood, challenged and corrected, all without blame, anger, recriminations.

This week’s exercise: Talk to a friend or partner and ask them to list things you do that cause you difficulties in your relationships. Take note. Do not comment or defend yourself. Just listen.

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Article © Wayne C. Allen & The Phoenix Group, 2000 (http://www.phoenixcentre.com?mind)

This article reprinted with permission from the author, who is Wayne C. Allen, psychotherapist and corporate trainer. It originally appeared in Into the Centre.

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